Internwizards and the hairy plotter

I’m not a writer, never have been good with things that urge for climatic endings and woven morals. To begin with I just want to introduce myself, a 21-going-to-be-22-in-3-months, year old female, currently studying BSc Business and Management (Marketing) at an average educational institution where I’m forced to use long, intolerable adjectives and verbs for everything that happens in life – at university or outside. I go through the academic year relaxing for the first half and racing against the winds for the last half, trying to indulge the little capacity of brain space that has been kept and cuddled for the uniformly interjecting information I need to learn to pass the year, so I can go on to the next year – to only realise it just gets more difficult and the time span shortens.

What I’m really trying to say is that you’re not the only one that feels overtly inadequate, you’re not the only one who wakes up every morning feeling like the world and everyone in it has left you behind, into some mythical place where they actually have their lives together. It almost feels like an episodic rerun of Home Alone, only that Kevin actually wanted to be left alone and used the time to fight the bad guys with his unedifying knowledge, for a kid of his age of course.

However, I’m not sitting here trying to come up with possible solutions for the void that negates every human species- quite frankly, I’m in the same shit puddle you’re in. I worry to a point where, people worry about me worrying too much.  Individuals who advice you on the necessary steps that need to be taken in order to grow on ladder of ‘success’- turns into a game of snakes and ladders, where they deceivingly take your ladder and you descend in the nest of vipers.

I decided not to take a placement year because I actually feel like I don’t have time, I watch all these life documentaries about how people have driven a business from an innocent age, whom I admire dearly but all I do after is moan and turn to Game of Thrones (best thing my eyes has fed on) and shut myself down about the ‘harsh’ realities of life. I compare myself with others my age, at my educational level and think okay, so which planet am I from exactly? Sometimes I feel so useless and lazy that I act just as useless and lazy- I cater to my thoughts. So here’s the thing, point one DO NOT CATER TO YOUR NEGETIVE THOUGHTS. Reading all these spiritual books, trying to ‘find’ yourself is all horseshit if you don’t actually believe in yourself or the abilities you undermine. There is one of you, ONE, the cliché nightmare of there being 100 students or graduates just like you applying for the same job- is horseshit too, okay not totally because there will be others applying for the same internships, apprenticeships, graduate schemes but THEY ARE NOT YOU. No I’m not saying it as a person who thinks every person on Earth is brilliant and the world is a great place, I don’t romanticize life but give me a break – which of you can remember a whole song after you’ve heard it once? How many of you can watch a TV series in space of a week? How many of you apply things you’ve actually learnt from movies into real life?

Education is that. Learning and educating yourselves is like a movie, you watch back what you’ve done in school, part time jobs, and university and then think okay, so what would Morgan Freeman do in this situation? Seriously, try it. If you can sit through a whole series of a TV show, you have patience mate- that too requires focus, ha!

There has been days where I just break down and think I’ll just be a fat lazy sod that has used all her money up on an institute that later didn’t fasten me with a job, what’s the point?. Stop thinking like that little dove, you’ll never have anything come knock at your door if no one even knows you want to be heard. Get up and make yourself heard, knock on doors, face rejection. Ah, rejection.

I find rejection the hardest; I’ve never questioned my ability as a person until recently. Waking up every day to 10 rejections from organizations, some that you didn’t even want to apply to because it was thought on as desperate measures rejected you. What the fuck. But I try, I try harder- not straight away, never straight away but after I’ve overcome my dramatic dancing around like a headless chicken- I try.

Think about it, how many times will you be rejected? A million? More than a million? Someone is bound to give you a break, the break you need. Those are the struggles your parents have told you about growing up but you’ve been too obnoxious to listen, mamas always right.

I’m with you all, we need to stop being a part of the ‘lost generation’ – ‘unemployed failures’ – we need to try harder, worry less and quit bloody moaning. Stop pitying yourself please, stop that now. From this day on you will not moan about people who have surpassed you, how hard life is, in what cruel situation God has lead you into. If you have to, start from the bottom – volunteer, build on your CV, dress accordingly to job interviews- don’t give up before you even get to the interview. It’s the simple things that our generation have forgotten, work hard and worry less, more actions- less talk.

Don’t feel bad if you wake up on days where you actually don’t want to do anything, just sit in bed and be unproductive- I have them every other day, we’re only humans. Use your time efficiently, find your comfort zone and work from there. Don’t worry about the length of time it takes to do an application because time shall too pass. It’s always important to have people who believe in you, around you- it’s only logical to have family and friends that don’t act like an anchor. Get rid of everything that weighs you down only then will you realise you can create a world in the light air, with no foundation except the one you’ve created for your dream.

I know it feels like this aching, unattainable correlation of emotions doesn’t look like it’s going anywhere – it will just, as time passes. Your situation will change but where it ends, as cliché as it sounds – only you decide. Do you really want to go through life thinking you were to scared, too afraid to speak, too shy to get your ideas across- everyone in this world is feeling just as you are.

Lastly, believe in yourself- you can achieve whatever you are willing to devour your heart in. You are no less talented than the person next to you. In times of worry go to people who will inspire you. Be good and do well.

On that note, I hope this helped some of you guys out. I find writing about my problems might help others realise they’re not the only ones. Best of luck guys!

 – Shumi Begum


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